Adult Adoptees: Identity, Loss, and the Burden of Gratitude
- Geordie Gronn
- Feb 2
- 1 min read
Adult adoptees often carry a quiet, complicated grief. It’s not always visible, and it’s rarely acknowledged, but it can sit beneath many questions about identity, belonging, and self-worth.
Adoption usually involves loss : of a first family, a history, and a culture.
Even when an adoption was loving, stable, and “the best option,” something was still relinquished. For many adult adoptees, that loss doesn’t disappear with time; it evolves, resurfacing at different life stages such as becoming a parent, navigating relationships, or simply asking, Who am I supposed to be ?
What can make this even harder is the unspoken expectation to feel grateful. Grateful to have been chosen. Grateful for a “better life.” Grateful enough not to ask difficult questions or express painful feelings. Gratitude, in this context, can become a silencing force, leaving little room for anger, sadness or confusion.
But gratitude and grief can coexist. Love and loss are not opposites. An adult adoptee can appreciate their adoptive family and mourn what was lost. Denying that complexity often deepens shame and disconnection rather than healing it.
Making space for the full emotional truth of adoption without minimising it or wrapping it in platitudes can be profoundly reparative. Being able to name loss, explore identity, and feel met rather than corrected is often a crucial step toward integration and self-understanding.
You are not ungrateful for feeling this way. You are human.
Photo taken at the Historic Forced Adoptions Protest in Parliament Square, July 16th, 2025
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